I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
