he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
im six kinds of drunk right now
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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