I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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