Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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