why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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