He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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