Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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