the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
