made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
