Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
