He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
