I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
