I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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