Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
