Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
