Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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