So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
