he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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