Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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