His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
