how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
