You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
