I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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