theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Let's get the cat blown out
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
