hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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