after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Come on in and take your pants off
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