Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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