Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
