Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
