you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i think i just lost a toe
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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