Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need a beard to bite.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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