We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
