All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
