last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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