I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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