I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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