And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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