So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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