mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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