Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
