I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
