This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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