Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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