I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
