I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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