in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
