I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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