she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
