Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
