i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
